Frequently Asked Questions about Divorce and Divorce Mentors
Who should you have on your professional team for maximum support during divorce?
Most importantly, a divorce attorney who is committed to your best interest. Collaborative divorce is another option, as well as mediation. Ideally you will seek the advice of a financial planner, realtor, estate planning attorney, and therapist (for yourself and your children). Another person to enlist is a divorce mentor or coach.
It’s important to remember throughout the process that your divorce attorney is not your therapist, financial planner, or someone to vent to. While the majority of divorce attorneys are sympathetic and want the end result to be in your best interest, they have a specific role: to advocate for you and protect you legally. Attempting to use your attorney for emotional support will end up costing you more money that you need to spend, and will pull the attorney away from his or her work on your behalf.
What does a divorce mentor or coach do? What situations do they help with?
The divorce mentor or coach is the person who helps you put all the pieces of your life back together during and after divorce. She helps you work though feelings of overwhelm, grief, fear, anger, and panic and give you tools to face these feelings and heal them. She provides practical advice and guidance aimed at helping you show up for yourself with strength and power no matter what is being thrown at you.
The divorce mentor acts as a sounding board and objective advisor. She encourages positive actions to take to rebuild your life.
The goal of the divorce mentor is for you to come through the divorce process proud of who you were throughout it, and proud of who you’ve become as a result. She will hold you to your highest goals for yourself, and help you learn to view divorce as a time of powerful, and ultimately positive, transformation.
What is a common but possibly unexpected situation in divorce for which a divorce mentor can prepare you?
Every divorce is different, and everyone experiences it in her own way. One common denominator seems to be around not taking care of our physical needs when we are under a great deal of stress. A divorce mentor can help you figure out how to make sure you are getting the rest, exercise, and nutrition you need to be at your mental and emotional best.
My clients benefit from my 20 years of experience in holistic healthcare. We cover everything from how to fall asleep and stay asleep, to relaxation techniques, to natural ways to reduce the effects of stress and anxiety. Helping women feel and look their best is one of my favorite things about what I do as a divorce mentor.
What is the secret to not losing yourself during divorce?
What I have seen work for my clients (and for myself during my own divorce) is that the key to staying true to your highest self through this turbulent time is knowing what is important to you from the start and anchoring yourself to it. One of the first things I work on with clients is establishing their “why.” Why do they need their lives to be how they envision them? What’s their core motivation for achieving the life they most want? Knowing your “why” and knowing how to anchor yourself to it will keep you on track when you’re being emotionally triggered, and feeling overwhelmed and out of control.
What are a couple things you can do to be at your best when working with your attorney?
First, make sure you have the professional support you need for understanding your new financial situation, emotional needs, anything else that is not specifically legal in nature. Having your other needs met by the appropriate professional will clear your plate mentally to focus on the legal aspects of the divorce with your divorce attorney.
Equally important is keeping yourself in a calm state during interactions with your attorney. I teach clients several grounding techniques that can be done quietly and unobtrusively before, during, and after any in-person meetings or phone calls.
Do you have any suggestions for getting back into dating?
Heal from your past relationships before trying to date again, or you’ll repeat the same patterns.
I spend a lot of time on this with clients. The first step is to look at what actions or reactions from your ex trigger strong, negative emotional responses in you. Those are the key to what you need to heal in YOURSELF.
What can someone do to get the support she needs during divorce, outside of professional services?
I am a fan of Facebook groups and Meet Up. Both platforms offer places to meet people who understand what you’re going through, allow for safe venting, and offer emotional support.
The Art of Graceful Divorce is another way to get positive support during divorce.